What does it feel like to be responsible for others’ feelings and emotions? Does their inconsistent behaviour make your self-esteem seem fraudulent?
What happens when all you have known your entire life is a lie? The way you should live, the way you should interact with people and situations- everything- a lie. What to be done then?
Do you make efforts to change?
If you even try, what is your reference point? You have always felt and been fake. What then is authenticity?
It’s like learning to walk on two feet again. From scratch. Teaching the adult self to meander through life in ways that reflect your genuineness.
How to bring about genuineness?
I don’t know. Honestly, I have no idea.
I am in this place of fear -stuck in ways I don’t even understand. One of the major areas that I feel stuck is with people.
Connecting to people superficially is okay for me. But going any deeper than that increases my heart rate and I just become clueless. The irony is such that I crave deep connections and conversations. I value a person who is reflective and introspective of their life experiences.
But when it comes to really making that bond, I cower. I foolishly behave in ways I THINK the world wants me to behave. In short, I am inauthentic.
You may find that having so much awareness would only make me change for the better.
But that’s not the case here. Atleast Yet.
I crave deep connections as I already mentioned. But I feel a strong sense of disconnect with people too.
In theory, I know the disconnect is not real. Its mind-made. But I don’t really know how to get out of its clutches.
I have no practice of being authentic. I have no idea of what authenticity feels like. But I know for sure, it is a lot more fulfilling. It will be easier and stress-free to talk to people. It will be more like- breathing.
In. Out. In. Out.
I have seen people being effortless in their conversations. But I can hardly learn anything from them. Because it’s an internal mindset of how they look at life and people in general. Not the external behaviours they project out authentically. It’s the effect. But I want to understand the cause.
What is authenticity?
Does it happen when you feel relaxed?
I often find myself relaxed in my own company. That is also when I am the most authentic. In my own company.
When around people, the story is slightly different. I am always on my head. Calculating and evaluating.
As if I am on a war. Am I on a war?
I am with people for God’s sake. Why do I feel so threatened by them? What makes me feel unsafe?
Unsafe? Am I in danger?
Where is the danger?
What is the danger exactly?
Can I die from an interaction? Can I get hurt by someone’s feelings?
What’s going on here? Why is my heart so tight and closed?
I am only responsible for my own thoughts, emotions, feelings, and behaviours. Since when have I started taking responsibility for others too?
When did it all start?
I remember having inconsistent parents as a child growing up. They had no emotional maturity. Maybe (I don’t remember), they have given me the impression of me being wrong/ bad/ responsible for their emotions. It is highly likely. But I don’t remember. I cannot blame people for their unconscious state anyway.
I just know the inner child has suffered enough that it’s blocking the memory of it.
Thats the past though. I have no control over it.
I have control of this moment though. How should I take one decision with strong determination and intention today that may start breaking the pattern?
Maybe one day I will look back on this article and think “Gosh! Was this me? This pathetic self who couldn’t bond deeply with people. Only if you knew this!”
What is that “this”? What is the decision that I must take today?
Be more authentic, is it?
But again we come back to square one. What is authentic? Define authentic.
Isn’t it in correlation and harmony with the inner self?
In the moment, whatever intuitively is been asked of me to do, I must do.
Yes, that’s it. And I can feel so much resistance arising even while writing this up. I can only imagine my state when I will be asked to be authentic. It will take more than willingness.
Being authentic in front of people feels more like death. So of course I would need every ounce of courage to follow the authenticity whatever it be in the moment that arises. I am not sure if this will work. But let’s see.